240105 Death

I’m 78 and ½ and I’ve experienced far too many deaths in my lifetime.

I’ve lost workmates, shipmates, friends, family members and my wonderful wife. I’ve grown tired of death.
Many of my workmates from Litton ACD died at an early age. All from cancer due to the hazardous chemicals that penetrated the air in the factory.
I’ve lost 2 shipmates on the USS Kitty Hawk, 1 had his head squashed while checking the air brakes on an A-6 intruder aircraft, the other was blown over the side of the ship when he walked behind an A-4 turning up at top speed. One was maimed on shore patrol in Olongapo City, PI. He was breaking up a fight between a sailor and a bar girl. He pushed the sailor away and heard a beer bottle being broken against the bar. He turned around and she cut his face from an inch above the eye down to an inch below his eye. He was lucky in a way in that he didn’t lose his eye. There was no training for shore patrol duty back then, you just got picked from a list of petty officers and off you went.
I lost my grandfather, father, mother, my youngest brother and one of his sons. I lost Joyce 2 and ½ years ago. That left me adrift in a sea of misery, one which I still have not gotten over and perhaps never will.
Last October, I lost the one friend I had here in the complex, not to death but to abandonment. We used to drink coffee together and on occasion share food. She told me she was moving across town, but never said where she would be. I offered to help her move, but she declined. She left without so much as a goodbye. I texted her 3 days before Christmas, to wish her a Merry Christmas, but she did not respond to the text. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it was something I said; I suppose I never will know.
Somehow I have alienated all of my 4 siblings but one sister. I have tried to figure out why that happened many times and can’t figure it out. Joyce and I have helped every one of them at some point. When our father was in one of his many hospital stays Joyce and I took all of them and their children into our home, gave them a place to sleep and fed them for perhaps 2 weeks while dad was at death’s door. He recovered and we took in mom and dad for nearly a month while he recuperated.

I’ve only been to 2 births, my daughter and granddaughter. While that was wonderful, it hardly balances the scale with all of the losses.
All of this has led toward being a stoic. That is being indifferent to sorrow or pain, not an easy thing for me, but I am working toward it. My joy seems to always lead to sorrow and pain at some point, so I am trying to be indifferent to everything that happens.
I don’t know how much time I have left in this life, but I do want to find joy in life, be a good and decent man and try not to alienate anyone. Wish me luck.