220320 Sentinel, Depression

For those of you loyal readers, you may have noticed there was no post on Friday the 18th of March.
I was at the frayed end of my rope and in the deep end of a pool of depression.

On Friday March 18, 2022 it was my worst day in memory. I was so sad and depressed I did not know if I would recover and live through the day. I began wondering what happiness is?

Is it wealth? Is it in possessions? Is it power? Some would say it is love. I believe I have said that before. As you readers know, I lost my love back in September.

I have not been really happy since then. I have tried to be or at least seem to be that way. Friday all of that fell into tiny pieces. The rain was falling outside and it was falling inside me. I could not think of anything but gloom and desperation. I have had bad days in my lifetime, but none ever came close to what I felt on Friday.

I have asked people before, “What would make you happy?” The usual answer was, “Well I don’t know.” I asked myself that same question on Friday and my answer was, "I don’t know. I can’t bring back the past."

I have read that happiness comes from within. Maybe that is true, but Friday I felt empty inside and nothing comes from emptiness. There has to be something there to begin with, something to work from. I thought I could be happy while living alone like a monk. A life of meditation and prayer sounded like an answer and other than my writing and the occasional visitor is likely what I will continue to do. At first it seemed like the way for me to live.

As I wrote this pathetic piece, I realized that the day I had Friday had been building up inside me since September. I began to think that perhaps what made me happy before was having a life with someone to share it with, someone to share my thoughts with and my secrets. I realized that I still have friends and family and that is fine, but there is no one I have to share my life with and I don’t have enough time left to build that trust and share it with another person.

It would appear to me that all I can do is press on until I get through this dark time in my life. I know there is sunshine out there somewhere. I trust in my Lord that He will guide me through this time and into the light once again. He has never failed me yet. Perhaps this is a learning experience for me, a suffering that everyone has to go through at some point in his or her lifetime. I know that I’ll get to the sunny side of the river and I will have better days ahead.

It has taken me two and a half days now to send this post. I am much better now on this Sunday morning. I could have sent it Friday night when I wrote my notes about my mood on paper, but my ego did not want to admit to my failure to cope with this situation and show how fragile I am as a human being, but folks, this is who and what I am.