220303 Sentinel, Weird and Crazy

I have been practicing meditation off and on since 1979.
Meditation sounds like a simple thing to do, just sit with your eyes closed, clear your mind and focus on breathing.

I am beginning with the backstory, so if you are not interested in that you may jump to the last 2 paragraphs (They are marked below by a line of dashes). Read some crazy things that came to me yesterday during my last meditation that were enlightening and scary at the same time.

The problem with meditation is when you sit and focus on nothing but breathing, your subconscious goes bonkers after a few seconds. It does not like being ignored and wants to remind you of all of the things you need to do and all of your past mistakes and memories. It fills your mind with everything it can. That becomes frustrating and can ruin an otherwise relaxing meditation.

I have begun to overcome that most of the time in the last 2 years, with minor disruptions. A good meditation makes a person feel better and refreshed. Sitting in a relaxed way at the lowest human state of simply feeling one’s breath come in and go out is pure therapy.
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In these last 2 years I have begun seeing faces of people I do not know. They slowly fade in and out usually in an orange glow. At times they are in a bright pale blue that illuminates them clearly. That doesn’t bother me; I just watch the show. It used to take 8-12 minutes for that to begin, now it can begin in a minute or two.

Yesterday it began in about 1 minute when I sat there with my eyes closed and I saw my own face for the first time and even saw the shirt I was wearing and it was in clear detail. Then instead of slowly fading it shot off into the distance like a bullet. Then I saw the face of Christ and it too shot away into the distance. Then I saw myself as a 3 year old child and it too shot away. That made me shiver, wondering if it was a premonition of my death with my life flashing by. After meditation I began thinking that statistically after a long, loving marriage such as Joyce and I had, when one spouse dies, the other usually dies within 6 months. March 14th it will be 6 months since Joyce died. I can’t help but wonder if this is the lead up to my own demise. Many people know about their impending death a week or more before passing. My grandfather knew and told my mother he would die in the next few days. My mother knew she was going to die and told my sister it would be 1 week from that day and she did die exactly 1 week later. I think perhaps this is my sign. Whether it is in the next 8 days or before or after, I have no idea. I am ready whenever it happens, but until then I will eat, drink my beer, smoke my cigarettes and enjoy life while I possess it.