211126 Sentinel, Alone

Yesterday was my choice to be alone on Thanksgiving. I wanted to spend the day alone with Joyce or at least with her spirit.

For the last 20 years, Joyce and I had our own areas of control, by choice. She had the living room to do whatever she wanted, no matter what she wanted. She determined what was where and where everything was placed. My area was the computer room. I could do whatever I wanted in that area. On the farm our common area was the large dining room, where we talked, drank our beer and spent our time together. At the first apartment in this town the common area had to be the kitchen, but when we moved a year and 9 months ago we made the second bedroom into my computer room and it was where we spent most of our time together talking, drinking and I have done all of my writing. Joyce was here with me so I could read my posts aloud to her so she was aware of what I was publishing.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving I did not write anything, but chose to spend my day in Joyce’s living room with all of her Christmas decorations and her Christmas tree all lit up. I had a pleasant day thinking about Joyce and all the years we had together. We had a grand life during those 58 years. Sadly that came to an abrupt ending September 13th of this year. Yesterday I felt her presence with me through the day for the first time. She had thought she had one last big cooking day for Thanksgiving this year and maybe even one more Christmas. That did not happen.

On a brighter subject, today is my 14th week of non-smoking. That’s not my record for quitting; once I quit for 37 years. For all of those years I wanted a cigarette every day. Here I am at 14 weeks and I have wanted a smoke every single day, several times a day. I am remembering this morning that when I quit before I put on a lot of weight and guess what? I am packing on the pounds again. I seem to be hungry all of the time and want sweets more than ever. I don’t know how long this will go on from here. I’m guessing I don’t have a lot of years left in my life, so do I want to be a smoke free chubby sweets freak or a thinner, happier smoker?