The News

The Sentinel All the news that's fit to print.
In our top news stories today. The CDC has stated that with the flu epidemic, they have noted an increase in toilet flushing across the nation. Another news source, 'The Sentinel News', has been added to the country's list of fake news sources. When asked about this by reporters, the editor shook his head and said, "Sure, whatever." The president commented again on his trip to Russia. He said that there were no Russian hookers in his hotel room; they were Albanian. The city of Springfield, Missouri is asking those who bring their dogs to the parks to please pick up the dog doodles.	In local gossip. Jimmy who lives over on 27th street seems to have a lot more friends who visit late at night and only stay for a few minutes before leaving. His neighbor Sally said, “Good for Jimmy, he must have started telling his friends not to stay too long when they arrive so late at night.” When asked for comment, Jimmy said, “Sally’s guests usually stay all night.” Local bad ass Billy Beans, after a night of drinking and carousing, was found lying under his motorcycle in a pool of vomit after falling off when trying to kick start his Harley outside the Dewdrop Inn. Billy's comment to the police officers on scene was, "what took you so long to get here?" Billy spent the night in custody.	In entertainment news. Silver-Tongue Jones has a new album coming out this month. Its title is, “When I lay down my baby at night.” This reporter is not sure what that indicates or what material may be in the album. In the movies, director Rodney Sneeze is nearly finished with his latest blockbuster titled ‘Prop me up when I die.’ The movie is based on a country song about a cowboy who wants to listen to the jukebox in his favorite bar as he consumes massive amounts of alcohol and chain smokes cigarettes and if he dies that night he wants his friends to fill his boots with sand and prop him up beside the jukebox with a drink in his hand. Rumors have it that a real corpse will be exhumed from a nearby graveyard to play the part of the dead cowboy. Director Sneeze is known for his realistic movies.