An Unusual Christmas

Skidding across the ice and snow

Didn’t know where the car would go

I blinked my eyes and what did appear

A telephone pole and three reindeer

I saw it coming, didn’t know what to think

When suddenly Santa appeared with a wink

The van shuddered and slid to a stop

Santa was underneath and the van was on top

I leapt from the driver’s seat and ran round the side

Old Santa was screaming; I’d skinned off his hide

Comet, Cupid and Donner backed away

Santa was cussing; there’d be hell to pay

Three broken ribs and an ankle did sprain

The fat man was screaming, “Percocet for my pain”

Santa was out; who would deliver all the toys?

There be no Christmas for the good girls and boys

“I can do it Santa;” I heard myself say

“Do you have GPS so I can find my way?”

I loaded up the sleigh with beer and a few toys

I couldn’t disappoint all the good girls and boys

On Comet on Cupid on Donner and what’s your name

I wondered if Christmas would ever be the same

I started across Europe, drank a six-pack or two

It didn’t seem tough; the reindeer knew what to do

Then all of a sudden, before me did loom

The wide Atlantic, without a rest room

I punched in Newfoundland into the GPS

I hoped I could hold it and not make a mess

I shivered in the chilled air of a storm

By the time I reached Newfoundland only my lap was still warm

By the time I reached Boston the wind in the night sky

Had finally made my lap feel dry

There were no stockings hung by the chimney with care

Just IPADS and NETBOOKS with notes for Santa everywhere

When I crossed Arkansas I was in for a fight

Those crazy rednecks thought they’d caught geese in midflight

Scatterguns were popping and the sleigh did bump

Cupid caught a few pellets in her dainty rump

We crossed into Texas thinking the battle was done

But those drunken Texans shoot at anything for fun

I whirled the sleigh back around and started my run

Dropping frozen cans of beer would be my night’s fun

From the sled’s bomb bay, I loosed a frozen six-pack

That splintered their shed roof and silenced the Texan’s attack

We flew off to west in the silent night

I enjoyed the peace after the Texas firefight

We headed out California way

Thought I’d fly over San Diego bay

I figured the sailors on the midwatch that night

Would enjoy a cold beer dropped from my Santa flight

I turned and headed north, following the sand

Over the once fabled, golden California land

I finished California at the first twinkling light

I turned for Hawaii to continue my flight

I had to deliver there before dawn’s early light

It all had to be done before the end of night

I loosed the reindeer in a forest of verdant green

Then popped open a beer and drank in the scene

I opened an umbrella to cover over the sleigh

I decided to drink my beer and spend the day

I got back to Missouri after many moons

Santa had recovered from his many wounds

Old Santa was not a jolly old elf

I feared for my safety in spite of myself

A few beers and some smoke from his stump of a pipe

I tell you true me and old Santa got ripe

Well I suppose it’s time for this yarn to end

When old Santa departed, he was my friend