2020 update 2, 1705

Lobbyists have already contacted me about the 2020 campaign, but I am a man of the people and not for sale!

If you remember the FOB remark I made earlier, “I have friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away and I’ll be okay.”

I am a centrist with slight tilt to the left, while my running mate Ted is a centrist with a slight tilt to the right, so we balance out at dead center.

I will not promise to drain the swamp, but rather will turn it into a wading pool; whoever saw anyone wading in a pool that was not happy? If we can fit it into the budget, I want to have a nice fountain in the wading pool. Kids love to run in and out of a fountain and I am confident that congress people will enjoy it too. I will insist that senators enjoying the fountain and pool must have their beer in a red solo cup so we can all sing together, “red solo cup, I fill you up, let’s have a party!” That way, should there be a fracas start up over a controversial piece of legislation, no one will get hit over the head with a beer bottle. You can’t get hurt with a red solo cup and besides glass around a pool is never a safe idea anyway.

While I am not a strict environmentalist nut case, I will insist on clean water. After years of drinking San Miguel beer while in the Philippines, I know one must start with good water to produce good beer. I consumed a lot of San Magoo in my time there and often wondered how much better it would have been had it started with cool, fresh, Rocky Mountain spring water. Why if we didn’t need all of that Rocky Mountain spring water for Coors and California, I’d consider sending some of that over to the Philippines so they could increase exports of San Miguel and maybe then they would be our friends again. You may quote me on this: “good beer makes good friends.”

I am once again sampling the cool, refreshing taste of Heineken beer. I have not had it since I was in Hong Kong in the seventies and it is real beer (best ever) and it is 5%, not light beer. No president should drink lightly! My mom told me many years ago (and moms never lie) when people drink they speak the truth; so never elect a man or woman who does not drink. They will lie!

Every appointee in my administration will have to pass a test in math and civics and history. As the book said, “everything I needed to learn about ethics I learned in Kindergarten.” Everyone in my administration will have to read and learn the constitution because it is the best constitution ever written. “Read it, learn it, follow it” is my motto. All of my prospective appointees have done this. I do not tolerate ignorance well in any form, so you can feel confident all of my appointees will be ready and able to do the job.