Global Warming?

The news media is just flooded with doom and gloom since that goof ball Al Gore (if that’s his real name) made some movie I haven’t seen about “Global Warming.” Now everyone’s whining about greenhouse gasses. Well come on now, if someone in your car lets loose with some greenhouse gasses what do you do? You open a window; how easy is that? Ok, so this is bigger than your car, fine, let’s analyze it. The Earth is a large greenhouse, true? When a nursery house owner has an overheating problem she just opens a vent in the roof of the greenhouse. Our planet has a roof called the ionosphere, right? Well then, the solution is simple. Send one of those XR71 spy planes up into the ionosphere with a nuclear bomb on board and blow a giant hole in the roof of the planet! That will allow the greenhouse gasses to escape (heat always rises) and bring some cool fresh air in from outer space, problem solved.

Well of course I don’t think Mister Bush shouldn’t blow up a nuclear bomb over the US, “wouldn’t be prudent.” But there must be some country we don’t really like and could gain something from its demise.

I keep hearing about some ice cap melting, but I haven’t seen it around here. Last night on TV a man went to some other continent and was groping these funny birds called Penguins, but I don’t think they were really birds because they went swimming under the water, which the man said shouldn’t be there because it should have been ice. I just don’t think everything I see on TV is real. First of all the continent (called Antarctica) is supposed to be at the complete southern end of the world and this guy says it’s covered with ice. Well anybody who has ever traveled will tell you that the further south you drive, the warmer it gets. South Florida never has cold weather, so how could this Antarctica be ice covered if it’s the farthest south place on the Earth?

So the next time you hear about this Global Warming, don’t believe it for one minute. It isn’t happening.

This item is just in from our west coast bureau chief Kevin: “Easter may be cancelled this year, photo story below.”

Today’s obituary: Peter Cottontail was hopping down the bunny trail, when he encountered a rabid Labrador which promptly ate all but Peter Cottontail’s ears. Mr. Cottontail leaves behind a loving mate and 480 offspring. Sadly if the Labrador had begun consuming Mr. Cottontail properly (you always bite the ears off first) Mr. Cottontail could have escaped his fate, deaf to be sure, but alive nonetheless. Mr. Cottontail’s survivors ask that contributions be made to the Humane Society shelter for dogs, in lieu of flowers.