211206 Sentinel, A Christmas Story

‘An Unusual Christmas’

I've had a lot of Christmases, in fact 75 so far and looking forward to 76.

I first wrote this piece a long time ago, and have sent it several times leading up to Christmas and there are new readers now who have yet to see it. I had fun writing it and enjoy finding it again every year. This is the first year it comes with a picture of Old Santa.

Skidding across the ice and snow
Didn’t know where the car would go
I blinked my eyes and what did appear
A telephone pole and several reindeer
I saw it coming, didn’t know what to think
When suddenly Santa appeared with a wink
The van shuddered and slid to a stop
Santa was underneath and the van was on top
I leapt from the driver’s seat and ran round the side
Old Santa was screaming; I’d skinned off his hide
Comet, Cupid Donner and the rest backed away
Santa was cussing; there’d be hell to pay
Three broken ribs and an ankle did sprain
The fat man was screaming, “Percocet for my pain”
Santa was out; who would deliver all the toys?
There be no Christmas for the good girls and boys
“I can do it Santa;” I heard myself say
“Do you have GPS so I can find my way?”
I loaded up the sleigh with beer and toys
I couldn’t disappoint all the good girls and boys
On Comet on Cupid on Donner and what’s your name
I wondered if Christmas would ever be the same
I started across Europe, drank a six-pack or two
It didn’t seem tough; the reindeer knew what to do
Then all of a sudden, before me did loom
The wide Atlantic, without a rest room
I punched Newfoundland into the GPS
I hoped I could hold my beer and not make a mess
I shivered in the chilled air of a storm
By the time I reached Newfoundland only my lap was still warm
By the time I reached Boston the wind in the night sky
Had finally made my lap feel dry
There were no stockings hung by the chimney with care
Just pictures of IPADS and NETBOOKS with notes for Santa everywhere
When I crossed Arkansas I was in for a fight
Those crazy rednecks thought they’d caught geese in midflight
Scatterguns were popping and the sleigh did bump
Cupid caught a few pellets in her dainty rump
We crossed into Texas thinking the battle was done
But those Texans were shooting at anything for fun
I whirled the sleigh back around and started my run
Dropping frozen cans of beer would be my night’s fun
From the sled’s bomb bay, I loosed a frozen six-pack
That splintered their shed roof and silenced the Texan’s attack
We flew off to west in the silent night
I enjoyed the peace after the Texas firefight
We headed out California way
Thought I’d fly over San Diego bay
I figured the sailors on the midwatch that night
Would enjoy a cold beer dropped from my Santa flight
I turned and headed north, following the sand
Over the once fabled, golden California land
I finished California before the first twinkling light
I turned for Hawaii to continue my flight
I had to deliver there before dawn’s early light
It all had to be done before the end of night
I loosed the reindeer in a forest of verdant green
Then popped open a beer and drank in the scene
I opened an umbrella to cover over the sleigh
I decided to drink my beer and spend the day
I got back to Missouri after many moons
Santa had recovered from his many wounds
Old Santa was not a jolly old elf
I feared for my safety in spite of myself
A few beers and some smoke from his stump of a pipe
I tell you true me and old Santa got ripe
Well I suppose it’s time for this yarn to end
When old Santa departed, he was my friend