Two Short Christmas Stories

I write my Christmas stories every year, but this year's sucked so bad even I didn't like it and I couldn't think of any way to make it better. So I thought  I had done so much better in the past and perhaps this was the time to re-publish my two favorites, for you. They are below. The first is Santa fell off the wagon and the second is an unusual Christmas. And to all of you readers, I bid you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Santa fell off the Wagon

Santa was getting ready for his annual trip

Feeling tired, he pulled out his flask for a little nip

Winter up north gets mighty cold

And Santa of course was very old

High winds and extra heavy snow

Old Santa couldn’t see where to go

He sat in his sled just shivering

Losing time needed for delivering

He waited and had a few sips more

So many so he passed out on the floor

Misses Claus went out to see what was the matter

She let out such a roar Santa’s eardrums did shatter

She shouted, “Of all nights for you to get drunk,

You rotten old sot, you low down skunk,

One day a year, more important than all,

And off the wagon you fall.

I can’t drive this sleigh. I don’t have a clue;

So now what am I supposed to do?”

Santa thought, then said, “Call old sailor Bill.”

When I answered the call, I felt quite a thrill.

Santa had said, “Bill’s weathered many a storm

From icy seas to typhoons, without any harm

Sailor Bill can navigate his way

He’s the one to save Christmas Day.”

I climbed aboard my mighty jet

To the North Pole my course I set

The jet’s skids set down before midnight

In plenty of time to take Santa’s flight

Santa cried out, “Another round of cheer,

This will save the day; sailor Bill is here!”

We popped off the tops off a couple of cold brews,

While Santa filled me in on the latest news

We filled the sleigh with wonderful toys

For all the good little girls and boys

We filled the trailer with buckets of coal

For bad men, that had greed as their goal

We ran out of beer and turned to moonshine

That put fire in our bellies and made us feel fine

By midnight, Santa and I had a full load

It was time to hitch up the reindeer and hit the road

The reindeer were a might bit wary

The weather was, I admit, a bit scary

Santa and I had one more for the road

As I said before I was packing a full load

I fed the deer some marijuana to calm them down

Then lit myself a pipe full and we were outward bound

Above the snow clouds, the stars were strangely bright

As we set about our work that night

North American radar picked us up mid-ride

Soon there were two F-16s by our side

The pilots blinked and could not believe their eyes

When they saw old sailor Bill 2000 feet up in the skies

I hit the reindeer brake and they shot on by

Meanwhile I had dropped from the sky

I had plenty of stops to deliver toys

I didn’t have time for those Air Force boys

I finished my mission just before daylight

Headed back to the pole and saw quite a sight

Old Santa was hung over in spite of himself

That day he was not a jolly old elf

I heard him shout as I sped out of sight

“Come back sailor Bill, I’m ready to fight!”

An Unusual Christmas

Skidding across the ice and snow

Didn’t know where the car would go

I blinked my eyes and what did appear

A telephone pole and three reindeer

I saw it coming, didn’t know what to think

When suddenly Santa appeared with a wink

The van shuddered and slid to a stop

Santa was underneath and the van was on top

I leapt from the driver’s seat and ran round the side

Old Santa was screaming; I’d skinned off his hide

Comet, Cupid and Donner backed away

Santa was cussing; there’d be hell to pay

Three broken ribs and an ankle did sprain

The fat man was screaming, “Percocet for my pain”

Santa was out; who would deliver all the toys?

There be no Christmas for the good girls and boys

“I can do it Santa;” I heard myself say

“Do you have GPS so I can find my way?”

I loaded up the sleigh with beer and toys

I couldn’t disappoint all the good girls and boys

On Comet on Cupid on Donner and what’s your name

I wondered if Christmas would ever be the same

I started across Europe, drank a six-pack or two

It didn’t seem tough; the reindeer knew what to do

Then all of a sudden, before me did loom

The wide Atlantic, without a rest room

I punched in Newfoundland into the GPS

I hoped I could hold it and not make a mess

I shivered in the chilled air of a storm

By the time I reached Newfoundland only my lap was still warm

By the time I reached Boston the wind in the night sky

Had finally made my lap feel dry

There were no stockings hung by the chimney with care

Just IPADS and NETBOOKS with notes for Santa everywhere

When I crossed Arkansas I was in for a fight

Those crazy rednecks thought they’d caught geese in midflight

Scatterguns were popping and the sleigh did bump

Cupid caught a few pellets in her dainty rump

We crossed into Texas thinking the battle was done

But those drunken Texans shoot at anything for fun

I whirled the sleigh back around and started my run

Dropping frozen cans of beer would be my night’s fun

From the sled’s bomb bay, I loosed a frozen six-pack

That splintered their shed roof and silenced the Texan’s attack

We flew off to west in the silent night

I enjoyed the peace after the Texas firefight

We headed out California way

Thought I’d fly over San Diego bay

I figured the sailors on the mid-watch that night

Would enjoy a cold beer dropped from my Santa flight

I turned and headed north, following the sand

Over the once fabled, golden California land

I finished California long before the first twinkling light

I turned for Hawaii to continue my flight

I had to deliver there before dawn’s early light

It all had to be done before the end of the night

Come morning, I loosed the reindeer in a forest of green

Then popped open a beer and drank in the scene

I opened an umbrella to cover over the sleigh

I decided to drink some beer and spend the day

I got back to Missouri after many moons

Santa had recovered from his many wounds

Old Santa was not a jolly old elf

I feared for my safety in spite of myself

A few beers and some smoke from his stump of a pipe

I tell you true, me and old Santa got ripe

Well I suppose it’s time for this yarn to end

When old Santa departed, he was my friend