Santa fell off the Wagon

Santa was getting ready for his annual trip

Feeling tired, he pulled out his flask for a little nip

Winter up north gets mighty cold

And Santa of course was very old

High winds and extra heavy snow

Old Santa couldn’t see where to go

He sat in his sled just shivering

Losing time needed for delivering

He waited and had a few sips more

So many so he passed out on the floor

Misses Claus went out to see what was the matter

She let out such a roar Santa’s eardrums did shatter

She shouted, “Of all nights for you to get drunk,

You rotten old sot, you low down skunk,

One day a year, more important than all,

And off the wagon you did fall.

I can’t drive this sleigh. I don’t have a clue;

So now what am I to do?”

Santa thought for a bit

He said, “Call old sailor Bill.”

When I answered I felt quite a thrill

Santa had said, “Bill’s weathered many a storm

From icy seas to typhoons without any harm

Sailor Bill can navigate his way

He’s the one to save Christmas Day.”

I climbed aboard my mighty jet

To the North Pole my course I set

The jet’s skids set down before midnight

In plenty of time to take Santa’s flight

Santa cried out, “Another round of cheer,

This will save the day; sailor Bill is here!”

We popped off the tops off a couple of cold brews,

While Santa filled me in on the latest news

We filled the sleigh with wonderful toys

For all the good little girls and boys

We filled the trailer with buckets of coal

For bad men that had greed as their goal

We ran out of beer and turned to moonshine

That put fire in our bellies and made us feel fine

By midnight Santa and I had a full load

It was time to hitch up the reindeer and hit the road

The reindeer were a might bit wary

The weather was, I admit, a bit scary

Santa and I had one more for the road

As I said before I was packing a full load

I fed the deer some marijuana to calm them down

Then lit myself a pipe full and we were outward bound

Above the snow clouds, the stars were strangely bright

As we set about our work that night

North American radar picked us up mid-ride

Soon there were two F-16s by our side

The pilots blinked and could not believe their eyes

When they saw old sailor Bill 2000 feet up in the skies

I hit the reindeer brake and they shot on by

Meanwhile I had dropped from the sky

I had plenty of stops to deliver toys

I didn’t have time for those Air Force boys

I finished my mission just before daylight

Headed back to the pole and saw quite a sight

Old Santa was hung over in spite of himself

That day he was not a jolly old elf

I heard him shout as I sped out of sight

“Come back sailor Bill, I’m ready to fight!”