The Sentinel 070212

For months now I’ve heard “Global Warming,” “Global Warming,” from Al Gore and his hirsute liberal, academic friends! I’m sick of it. They say one thing; the right-wing Bush puppeteers say the opposite. Who am I to believe, the shaggy liberals making their living off of my tax dollars in the form of never ending university grants to study global warming, or from a known pack of oil company liars and vice presidents who have George Bush in their pockets?

I sat down, pondered the situation and then wondered why, why are we continuing to have record setting low temperatures in the winter if we’re experiencing global warming? In the twenty years I’ve been here in Southwest Missouri we have set record lows in at least ten of those years.

I was wondering about that when I got to work today, so I consulted my good friend Professor Johnny Bravo. I told him I just wasn’t sure about this news of melting polar ice caps. Could Al Gore be right about this? He was never right about anything before.

“Well now," Professor Bravo said: “let’s look at this scientifically. If burning fossil fuels was the cause of global warming, why then has it waited until the last twenty years to accelerate the effect?”

“You’re right Professor Bravo,” I replied. “If it’s not fossil fuels burning that are causing the melting Polar ice cap, then what is it?”

“Think Billy, think real hard about the last twenty years. What has dramatically changed in our world in the last twenty years?”

“Well Professor, the biggest change in lifestyles I can think of is cell phones.”

“That’s absolutely correct Billy! You’re right, cell phones are the big change in our world during the last twenty years.”

“But Professor, how can cell phones melt the polar ice caps?” I asked.

“Stop and think Billy, what happens when you put cold, frozen things in your microwave at home?”

“I don’t know Professor, my wife doesn’t allow me to use the microwave since I tried to heat up some leftovers for my lunch, burned them up, exploded them in the microwave, and started a fire in the kitchen.”

“That’s it Billy! Microwaves heat up things and melt them. And cell phones transmit microwave radiation, what we call radio frequency waves, that are bounced off of towers and satellites and return to the earth so we can communicate with each other. Didn’t you tell me the countryside around your farm is covered with microwave towers put up in just the last twenty years?”

“You’re right Professor. It has been just the last twenty years that our farm is surrounded with microwave towers.”

“You see Billy, the cell phone is what’s changed more than anything in the last twenty years. Man has burned fossil fuels for 50,000 years without global warming. But now we have cell phones. And where are there more cell phones than anywhere on earth?”

“Gee Professor, I think China has more cell phones than anywhere because they say there are no telephone poles there for stringing telephone lines.”

“And you believe that Commie Crap Billy? You believe the same people who have taken all of our manufacturing jobs away in the last 40 years? You believe the people who contributed millions of dollars to Bush’s re-election campaign? You believe the people who took our technology on computer memory, VCR, DVD, atomic bombs, plasma TV and digital Cameras? You believe the same people who are telling Bush that there’s no such thing as global warming? The reality is this Billy: the Chinese are using billions of cell phones to radiate out into the ionosphere, then bouncing it back to earth, heating the polar icecap and melting it. Billy there’s no way to stop this insidious plot without nuclear warfare! If we nuke them right now, they won’t be expecting it. They think their plan is totally unknown. They think by hiring Al Gore as a stooge to say there’s danger from global warming, no one will believe it’s happening. Then they can melt the ice cap, flood our coastlines making property worthless for one hundred miles inland, refreeze the ice cap after they buy everything on both coastlines for nothing and then make trillions of dollars reselling all of our coastal real estate back to us, just like they did by taking all of our manufacturing jobs away and then selling us all the goods we wanted back to us, after we lost our jobs.”

“Gosh Professor, what you say sounds correct to me. Do you think we can pull off a sneak nuclear attack on the Chinese before they destroy our ice cap and costal real estate?”

“Well Billy for two hundred years America’s policy was to never attack another country unless they attacked us, but the Bush administration tossed that tradition right out the window.”

“But could we keep the secret Professor? Those sneak attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq were in the news all over the world for months before we finally attacked them.”

“What we need to do Billy is not leak it to the press so we get a big rating boost for the administration before going to war this time. We can’t talk about it and hope the American public will buy into an unprovoked attack on another sovereign nation. We just have to do it now and then ask for forgiveness from America tomorrow. I think many millions of Americans will be happy when they find out the polar ice caps have stopped melting and our good jobs will be coming back to our country. Everyone in the country will be happy about getting new jobs except for those people in New Orleans who never worked in the first place and will never want to again.”

“Gee Professor, you could be a part of the Bush administration the way you think and talk.”

“Um, Billy let’s keep that thought to ourselves, I don’t want that Dick Cheney calling me on the phone anymore, ok?”

“Right Professor, I won’t tell a soul. I’m not one of those liberal controlled media types.”

“Good man Billy, we need to keep this one under our hats, until the whole world sees that mushroom cloud rising above Beijing. Then we can explanify the whole thing.”